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Voldemort Triumphant

FEAR NOT, loyal subjects, I still live.

Only I'm currently in the need of a new personal assistant as the last one's life warranty excluding unforgivable curses and whatnots, so I'm a bit tied up at the moment.

But soon, internets, SOON I will be back to reclaim you with a fistful of dollar bills.
This will be a quick entry.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was going to attend a viewing of the latest Pratter Potter film and enjoy it to pieces. Well, I did enjoy Bumblepants dying, that was a treat. Also all the wittle children's tear stricken faces and how the only things they could manage to do was erase the Dark Mark with some silly light beams.

However, the movie eternally sucks. And you want to know why?



Chapter Seven: Voldemort and The Movies

These past few months I have been introduced to mudblood films via various Death Eaters. I would have smite all who wished to see them, however, seeing as how my entire legion wished to, well, I'm sure you can see where that would have left me.

Moving on, the first film they had me see was Wolverine. I will admit, I did see The Dark Knight not too long ago as the story of a giant bat terrorizing a badly kept clown was something I could simply not pass up. Plus the twit with a sack on his head was a hoot! The movie made me long for my own vehicular contraption of the kicking of butts (perhaps I'm entering some sort of Dark Lord mid-life crisis, what with the watching of films and desire of some stupid metal technology locomotive thing). But Wolverine was the first film I saw in a theater.

But back to Wolverine, my does Wolverine look good for his age. I understand he's been around for quite some time. Clearly this man is a wizard, not some silly "mutant." A wizard with six wands embedded in his hands, that's the only reasonable explanation. I also enjoyed how he, to put in simple terms, stuck it to the man. I, too, look forward to pwning the American Government (I have recently picked up the art of video gaming, but that's best discussed at another time). 'Course, there was something about love and morality and some other useless crap that inhibits Wolverine of his true character. I am immensely pleased he's only left with the good bits by the end.

I am certain this man exists somewhere. In fact, I heard he's currently residing in Australia. I have sent a team down there to recruit him.

I also viewed the new Star Trek film with Chris Pine portraying Captain Kirk. I quite enjoyed Jim Kirk as he and I share similar characteristics and are men of action, though hardly ever do I let myself be beaten so effortlessly as he does. And I agree with his sentiment about the Pointy Eared Bastard, Peb reminds me too much of Potter, what with the RAGING and sickening stoicness (that quickly turns back to RAGING). And Peb Prime is Dumbledore with a bowl cut.

What I disliked the most was how utterly stupid the villains were. Oh boohoo, my wife was imploded, now I'm going to imploded everything! Bitch, no. That's you're que to use it as an excuse to take over the entire Federation. Sure, it was a nice touch making both Peb and Peb Prime suffer a similar fate as yourself, I certainly endorse revenger. HOWEVER, you sat around twiddling your thumbs for TWENTY FIVE YEARS Captain Nerod. Do you know how much I accomplished in 13 years? AS A HEAD FETUS, even.

Finally, I just viewed Terminator Salvation. I am immensely thankful I am on the side of evil as I am intolerant to cheese. I also call poppycock on robots taking over the Earth. However, if that were to happen, I call poppycock on mudbloods standing any chance against a legion of overpowered, governor robots. I know what happened during Terminator 1 and 2 (Lucius has this insistent need to talk during films), and mudbloods had a hard enough time taking down one robot, especially in the second movie where it was all fast and puddley.

The little black child, however, was quite the charmer. Being mute would inhibit her from a lucrative career in wizardry to a certain extent, however, I could see she had a sharp eye and wit about her, which is more than I can say for many in my legion. I would gladly accept her into my primary ranks. We could partake in tea before heading out to lob cars on people.

Oh, I was told that I need to "lj cut" the next bit as it is somewhat spoilery.

Two things jarred me a bit while watching the film, though...
This is the lj cut for spoilery bits.Collapse )

Second was John Conner's rabid fanboying of Batman. He has the best impression of Batman I have heard to date; methinks Conner has spent one too many times special viewing his Batman films.

The next film my legion wants to see is Transformers 2 and I insist that we see the next Harry Potter film. Dumbledore dies and I look supremely dashing, this will be the best movie ever!

Chapter Six: Voldemort vs Winter

First, let me say to those of you who thought I had perished, I HAVE NOT. SO SHOVE IT.

Secondly, I hate Winter.

Apparently this is not very well known, in fact, quite the opposite is known as many of my "loyal" minions have been planning a holiday party (or were planning, I swiftly cruitiatused many of them during the middle of their sugar cookie bake off). While I appreciate their well wishes towards me (I didn't kill them, did I?), I simply detest Winter.

This comes as a shock to many people I tell. It's dark, and drafty, and dismal, people tell me. It's gloomy and depressing, and fit for the final act of a horror flick. The season does help me out quite well financially as it is knitting season, though my blasted followers abuse this (see previous entry about Springtime). So all I hear is "why," given that I do not AK the person in question immediately.

Why? What the hell kind of dark Dark Lord celebrates the season of joy and caring and good will towards men? If the St. Fat Man granted me my wishes of domination, I'd perhaps be more inclined in celebrating the season in a somewhat jolly nature (I stress again, I didn't kill them, clearly this should leave me off the naughty list this year). I may have even left him a cookie of sugariness that I confiscated after my pleasant romping through Bellatrix' kitchen.

Also? It is cold. COLD. And I am bald. BALD. There is not enough yarn in the world I could knit in order to keep my body sufficiently insulated from my Shack of Draft in the winter. Not to mention that Nagini would simply not move anywhere as the weather would kick her into a coma.

Finally, it's so disgustingly white. Snow, it's like this blanket of purity that quietly wraps itself upon the world as it descends slowly from the heavens. UNACCEPTABLE. I simply will not have it in my world regime.

Do you hear me, Earth? This is your Lord speaking, and I will not tolerate your stupid axis turning self any longer.

Chapter Five: Voldemort vs Speculations

I understand that this "Dearly Hollowed" pamphlet is due to be sold sometime this weekend. It's all I ever hear about anymore. Even my minions are unable to do anything else but speak of these bound scraps of paper. The only good coming from this insane and fanatical obsession is the sudden interest in the final battle between Emotter and I.

Some of you are under the impression that Otter will come out victorious. Some of you believe that he will be lying six feet under my pedicured foot, like he should have been seventeen years ago.

And some of you have clearly lost your minds, for you believe I will some how certainly perish regardless of whether the Potter boy continues to retain his title.

Well, let me set the record straight, and you can quote me on this. You may even count it as a spoiler: I. Will. Win.

Hello nimrods, I'm a DARK LORD. THE darkest Dark Lord that has ever been. I assure you. That's what I was voted at the annual Darky Dark Awards last year, and I'm sure to win again this year (though I may need to dispose of that pinky puff Umbridge first).

You can sleep easy tonight knowing the truth of what is to come. You can thank me later.

Chapter Four: Voldemort vs Hufflepuff

There has been a long standing, unspoken rule that Hufflepuffs are just not allowed. On very few occasions has my legion ever been bothered by such fluffies, usually we welcome such an occurrence. It gives us the opportunity to practice, and since the sacrificees were willing, there wasn't much the lawyers could do.

Mr. Gunklefee wanted us to have his toe, really. He even wrapped it in a bow, Pettigrew even saved the tissue paper it came in.

That said, lately there has been a barrage against my humble home. I'm sure some of you have heard about it, despite my attempts to keep it on the down low. It would not look good for a Dark Lord to be incapable of removing a single vermin. A fluffer vermin, even.

But I must say, if it were just this Puffernuffer I had to deal with, it would have been dealt with many dealings ago. No, it's the other three houses pushing it upon me. Even my distant underlings are conspiring against me, and to that I say: Do you really want to be in the same dark group as this thing? Better yet: Do you want me to kill you?

As a last resort, I've decided to put up a very powerful spell on a wooden stake out on my lawn. I think it will work quite nicely, don't you?

Let's pretend for a moment that it is still April first and I have sent Potter a love letter beckoning him to a late night rendezvous, only to whip out my wand from my very special place and yell, "APRIL FOOLS!" and avada kedavraed him.

Curses! Why is it still not April 1st?!

Also, I'd like to welcome Kevin (saaaamtv) into the Legion of Death Eaters.

Everyone say, "Hello, Kevin."

Chapter Two: Voldemort and Springtime

Ah yes, Springtime. If I had been the one to create the world (much to my own horror and sadness, I admit to not having a hand in the creation of our home of dirt), Springtime would not exist.

Why? Is something you may be asking yourself. I'll tell you why.


Not only are babies revoltingly sweet, and cute, and "pure," and bald (that's MY signature head coif, thanks), but they are the result of Death Eater vacations.

Yes, Springtime is the vacation season of choice for Death Eaters. This may be to insure that their children are either born near Halloween or the season of Winter when my knitting business is in full swing. It is my policy to knit free baby jumpers to each of my minion's offspring upon birth, perhaps that is giving them an ulterior motive. My jumpers are quite nice and soft.

I'm sure you're asking yourself why I would allow all my Death Eaters to go on vacation, what if the Ministry attacks? What if blasted Emotter flooed into my fireplace? On the latter, I would welcome it. He needs to die and I am having a hell of a time catching him by my own means.

For the former, bunnies. Killer Rabbit has offered the employment of his rabbit colony for the spring months.

Contrary to popular belief, most rabbits do not procreate during Springtime. Those that do are trying to escape their duties and are therefore shortly after disposed of by my Death Eaters as thanks to the loanment of rabbits by Killer Rabbit.

On the plus side, this season does bring with it Springtime for Hitler. Nagini and I have tickets to see it next week.

Chapter One: Voldemort and Memes

This girl named sskittless interviewed me on her journal. Either she stutters or is a snake kittle, I haven't quite be able to figure it out.

Anyway, apparently this is something my internet minions call a "meme." They told me to copy and paste the instructions here, so here they are.

001. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
002. I will respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
003. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
004. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
005. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

And now I'm supposed to tell you the questions she asked me and my answers.

1. What is your favorite color of the rainbow?


And that calls forth Pink, so Black is worth twice the value.

2. Bunnies or Care Bears?

Care Bears? CARE BEARS? There is no such thing as Care Bears! And if there were, they would have been assimilated long ago. No cute fuzzies of caring can withstand the immense amount of hatred that is deep within the depths of my black eyes soul.

Bunnies, on the other hand, are wonderfully wonderful. Not only do they make nice slippers and are fun to pet, they have their own Dark Lord. Perhaps you've heard of him, he lives in a cave.

3. If you had 3 wishes, what would they be?

1. Death of Harry Potter by my hands.
2. Death of THAT SKANK Darcy.
3. A legion of Dark Bunnies.

4. What are your fetishes?

Fetishes? What are these fetishes? Dark Lords do not have feelings, you know.

5. Is there good in everyone?

When they lay dead at my bunny slippered feet.

Kittle went on to say something ridiculous about Physics and the colors black and white. Obviously this woman has never seen a Death Eater finger paint.



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